#EmpathyMap

Picture this: A 38 year old African American man (yet looks like he’s 28) eating at On-The-Border on a sunny Monday afternoon. He’s dressed in straight leg slacks, button up pinstriped shirt, and sporting a Michael Kors big face watch, with black rimmed reading glasses. While reading from his iPad he sips on water with extra lemons, and takes full advantage of the chips and salsa. White ear buds connect from his ears to his iPad as he bops his head lightly to the music and looks deep in thought, yet approachable. We’ll call him TJ.

Spoiler Alert! He’s not listening to rap music. A few years ago he decided that gospel music makes him feel more peaceful, and now listens to it regularly. Ok ok he’s not a saint; he mainly listens to it on stressful work days. Today he’s prepping for a work meeting that needs to end in his favor. 

As he prepares for work, he lets his mind wander to his other responsibilities. Work. Wife. Son. Church. He recently got married and saying he’s happy feels like an understatement.

A happy family unit has always been what counted most to TJ. In his mind, holidays are about family, work is about providing for a family, and being married meant his house was a home. 

Being married also gives him a sense of stability and purpose that he’s never experienced, but always yearned for. 

Financial stability is important to TJ in the short and long term. The long term benefits are obvious, but the short term situation is more unique. TJ and his wife are living apart for the next year due to circumstances and one of his major pain points is traveling time and costs. At $400 per ticket and 3 visits per month the credit card bill is steadily increasing. 

His obstacle is the cities they’re flying between have small airports and there are no direct flights. Travel time ranges from 6-10 hours each time they fly to see each other, so he spends a hell of a lot of amount of time in airports. An optimistic attitude and the butterflies he still feels when the plane lands is what gets him through.

Although genuinely happy, his life does not come without major worries. He has a son from a previous relationship, and TJ worries how to bond with his son who lives with the mother for the majority of the time. Two-part homes are the norm for a lot of kids, but it’s wasn’t how TJ grew up and he knows he over compensates by giving his son EVERYTHING. But now that his son has everything materialistic, he’s started to value things over quality time with TJ – how to course correct?

Another major concern is how to expand his sales territory which is what brought him to On-The-Border. Growing up TJ’s parents were only able to provide the bare necessities and that motivates him to push himself harder. Expanding his territory in the medical field is one way that he can secure his family’s financial future and his role as the head of the household. Staying smart, working out and (mostly) eating healthy give him the confidence and energy to tackle these challenges. 

As TJ looks around the restaurant he notices a young family – mom and dad look happy and tired as they manage the task of having two young children at a restaurant. He’s overcome with the sense of gratitude thinking of the handful of gracious mentors who eased his burdens throughout his life and is compelled to use that moment to “pay it forward.” As TJ prepares to leave for a work appointment, he signals the waiter and anonymously pays for the young family’s lunch – leaving with the type of satisfaction and excitement that only comes from such kind behavior toward others. It wasn’t the first time he’s done something like that and sure won’t be the last.

As he gets to the parking lot and opens the door to his freshly washed silver Mercedes Benz, he silently laughs to himself, though not amused, as he sees an older white couple stare at him a beat too long with quizzical stares. Probably wondering what occupation this black guy had to have to afford such a luxury – Must be something in sports. 

Although he’s used to seeing that reaction, it’s still one of his main frustrations and harshest realities of being a successful black man.

The combination of his earlier good deed mixed with the feeling of being inaccurately judged is too much to hold in. TJ is never one to play the victim, so he chooses to post positive words to over 850 friends on Facebook before pulling out of the parking lot.  

“Make good decisions” has deep meaning to his hometown friends who know that the consequences of even the smallest wrong decision can be jail time, unemployment, or even death. TJ sometimes feels like an anomaly as his hometown neighbors tell stories about how he has always been different from his peers. He prides himself on building discipline at an early age to stay focused, and heed good advice.  

On his drive back to work TJ almost stops by the mall to check out a new watch. A couple of the doctors he works with are sporting lavish watches and he has the urge to at the very least look… maybe purchase one.

He justifies it in his mind, but at last minute changes his mind. His wife is a big influencer and he thinks about how she would react. The watch suddenly feels unnecessary.

 

TJ calls his wife as he pulls into work and playfully brings up their imaginary daughter. Even though they just got married, he wants a child, like yesterday, and frequently imagines what it would be like. His ultimate picture of success is his family peacefully together, enjoying and respecting each other with no worries. He’s confident about solving new obstacles like figuring out how to manage an interfaith marriage, and incorporating his son from a previous relationship into a new family.  

As he gets off the phone with his wife and heads into work, they make plans to FaceTime that evening after his sons soccer practice, and his workout.

Walking into the hospital – where he works – he’s friendly with the admins, and the female nurses innocently flirt. To his mind comes the title of an old Chris Rock movie “I Think I Love My Wife,” and he confidently talks back in his head - I KNOW I love my wife.